The Bolton effect
Jacques Chirac has announced his campaign for president of the United States. Vigorously rebutting assertions that the document attesting his American birth is a fake, Chirac vowed to take the fight to all fifty American départements. He believes that his insistence that French be the sole language of government business in the United States will weed out incompetents--indeed almost everyone. John Kerry is said to be pondering joining the ticket as vice-presidential candidate. TV correspondent David Gregory, who looks the part, will be secretary of state. Several Haitian Americans have come forward for other cabinet posts, but Chirac is having the purity of their French examined by a committee from the French Academy. James Carville has failed this test.
Despite some murmurs of discontent, David Duke is poised to become the new president of United Jewish Appeal. "If you can’t beat 'em, join 'em," Duke opined. "I’ve spent many years tracking Jewish efforts at world domination. All too often, these have been half-hearted and poorly devised. I’m not called David for nothing. Under my informed leadership, it’s on to victory. Lechaim!"
The ACLU will welcome a new head: feminist law professor Katharine McKinnon. "I realize that in the past the ACLU and I have not always been on the same page," noted McKinnon. “But it’s time for dialogue, vigorously expressed. Of course after the initial discussion period, limited to one week, those in the group who continue to resist my wisdom will be charged with rape. What a pity that Andrea, whose name means courage, did not live to witness this achievement."
Some observers have noted that recently the appearances of the Vice President have been less frequent. Some televised speeches and interviews were taped some time ago. Now, apparently, the mystery is solved with a tape from Afghanistan, where Mr. Cheney has been spending some time. It is said that the authenticity of the tape has been verified by experts in voice recognition. At all events the film shows Mr. Cheney in conversation with none other than Osama Bin Laden. The al-Qaeda leader stated: "Allah is truly great and truly merciful! He has seen fit to bestow His blessings on one of our greatest enemies, turning him into a supporter. After a few short questions I was able to determine that his conversion was authentic and will be long-lasting. Now that I am ailing it is good to know that there will be someone to take over my tasks. The fact that he is a former servant of Satan is in fact a plus, since he will be intimately acquainted with the wiles of the Enemies of the Faith and know how best to combat them. Henceforth, he is to be known as Cheni al-Dik al-Akbar." Despite the authentication, Mr. Cheney's comments, if they were indeed his, could not be deciphered.
Speaking of television, Tom Brokaw, who has a speech defect, will assume the post of anchor for a major TV network. Wait a minute: Tom Brokaw already is an anchor for a major TV network.
There is news on the cultural front as well. Reverend Donald Wildmon has appointed 50 Cent to be music director at his church. "I realized that to communicate with young people, contemporary language is a must," remarked the conservative pastor. "I know that Mr. Cent shares my enlightened views on women and homos. His ideas on the right to bear arms are impeccable. Besides, he will conduct our outreach to the African-American community."
The Metropolitan Opera announced that Milly Vanilly will star in the opening season this fall. Because they will dispense with lip-synching and amplification, their arias will only be audible in the front two rows, where seats will go for one million dollars each—somewhat higher than the usual charge. A Metropolitan spokesperson noted that "this is a wonderful chance to show our commitment to healing the breach between high culture and popular culture. It’s also a great fund-raising opportunity."
Helen Keller School of Visual Analysis